The Cloverfield Paradox, or What Did I Just Watch?

I didn't watch the Super Bowl, but I did follow along with bits and pieces of it on Twitter. And in the middle of these bits and pieces, I saw there would be a new Cloverfield movie on Netflix made available immediately following the game.


Since I loved 10 Cloverfield Lane and mostly didn't remember Cloverfield but sort of remember enjoying it, I got excited. Unreasonably excited. Like


I don't know why. I mean, I love space and space movies and space disaster movies, so maybe that's why. And the movie started and I was like, "Oooh. This is fun." And I was also like, "I'm pretty sure I know exactly what's going to happen here." And then I was also like, "There is an awful lot of music in this movie."

Then they set off their whosy-whatsit machine and couldn't find the earth. Which, firstly, it ends up hiding behind the sun, and it seems crazy that a bunch of space scientists thought the Earth was just gone. I'm no genius, but I'm pretty sure you can find planets in space, when you're in space, and also you're an astronaut.


And secondly, why would it occur to me they obviously slid into another dimension, while it took them like thirty minutes to figure it out. Even after they find the woman in the wall who none of them have ever seen before. 


And I can't remember if the Russian with the googly eye was before or after they discovered her. But you'd think he would've mentioned his googly eye to someone. But no. He waits till he goes bananas and then nobody seems that put off that he's full of a bajillion worms.

And, okay, maybe the bajillion worms they had on board the alterna-dimension spaceship could end up in this Russian guy. But also, why would any ship have that many friggin worms onboard? And who cleaned up all the worms?? And why would they make that guy's eye all googly? Pretty sure a gut full of worms doesn't make your eye go googly. Maybe the eye was caused by the giant sphere inside his stomach. Which probably just would've killed him immediately if it was actually in there, but whatever. Like, if I had some worms in my stomach and an energy sphere, I'd assume the enormous sphere would make me drop dead immediately. But I'm no Cloverfield space scientist.


There was also a woman in the friggin wall. Threaded through with a  bunch of pipes and wires. They somehow manage to extract her and safely pull all the bits and pieces out of her and she heals to the point where she can go sprinting around the ship. Like, I've been incapacitated by splinters. I highly doubt you could be impaled with space pipes and space wires and go about your evil alterna-dimension day. That's the other thing. Shouldn't you assume the weirdo who appeared in the wall is evil? I would. I mean, I'd get her out. But then lock her in a broom closet. Evil. OBVIOUSLY. It's like these space scientists have never watched a space movie.


Plus, the wall woman looks like a giant goddess and I'm wondering when Gugu said her clothes wouldn't fit, but then handed her some other clothes and said, "Try these," whose clothes are those?? Nobody else on their ship is as giant as the giant wall goddess. WHOSE CLOTHES!!?!??!?!

Then the guy's arm gets whooshed off. Which is fine. I get it. It's crazy space. But then the arm is not only mobile, but has the wherewithal to write out a message saying to check inside the wormy googly eye dude for the sphere? How did the arm know it was there? The arm has no brain. 

And if you're gonna say the arm does have the means to think, move, and write legibly, how did the alterna-dimension Irish guy know the sphere was in the guy's stomach? In their dimension did the Russian swallow it? Did he tap on his bloated tum tum at some point and say, "Ruh-roh, I somehow have the sphere thing inside my body." And somehow an arm figured it out? Again, pretty sure if I was reduced to being a disembodied arm, knowing an energy sphere was in some guy's tum would be the least of my concerns.


Oh - one more for the arm guy. The guy survives a somehow painless arm removal, and the bones and guts inside are all freeze dried somehow and that's cool, but then dies by, like, magnets and magic, pretty much.


Also, I have no idea what the deal was with the broken spinny chamber they had to poop off in the third act. And no idea why three of them had to go deal with it. And no idea why the captain guy couldn't manually move the mechanism to remove the skinny chamber until he realized he had to stay behind and die. Like, the other 2 literally stand there and don't bother helping him turn the handle and then when he's like, "I have to stay behind and do this alone" and the woman's all, "No, we can do it remotely," he's all, "No. You have to guide the ship home. Leave." And then she does. It's like why'd he bother inviting them on his death spacewalk in the first place? They could've been chillaxin' in the cockpit. Lame.


And, granted, I may not have been paying a ton of attention, but why'd the guy back on Earth drive into the wreckage of the explosion? And why was everybody dead or gone except for that little girl? I get it's an explosion, but there were no bodies and nobody attending to the bodies. Maybe they explained it. I don't care. And where did the little girl get the tablet to watch cartoons on in the bunker? And why did the guy have a bunker? Again, things to which I may have not been paying any attention.

And, okay, I get why Gugu wants to go down to alterna-Earth and see her kids, but WTF does she think they're gonna think? Like, she's basically going to break their brains. Or if they're all like, "Cool, two moms," what if they ask her why she's there? Or about their alterna-selves? Or ask her anything at all? Gugu is a flippin scientist. She should know better.

Then somehow Gugu's husband has a direct line to the head space office and they tell him they didn't have time to tell the Googs about the monsters on Earth? Unless they wanted them to come to Earth for some reason? And then I was like, what was that wacky machine that caused the whole problem in the movie even for? Was it not to kill monsters? Was it to make energy? I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure the space office could've sent Googsy and the German a note saying there were Cloverfield monsters all over the place and they could come back to Earth or not, using their best judgment. Like, the head space office has time to talk to Googs' husband, but not to tell astronauts about building-sized Cloverfield monsters?

This whole movie.