I feel like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. Or I wish I felt like him. Because at least then I’d have a cool pair of binoculars, a chair with wheels, and some glamorous movie star looking after me. As a side note, how undignified is it that those certain wheelchairs are called scooters? I mean, I know they scoot you around but I feel it isn’t a very sophisticated name. Like imagine if FDR had been in a scooter instead of a wheelchair. Just look at his chair.
It’s like going from As the World Turns Julianne Moore to sexy movie star Julianne Moore.
We turn down suggestions from professionals because are we not the professional body owners?? Of our own bodies? I believe we are. And we think we know best. And when you feel like a sick pile of worm dumps, you think it would be great to try and fancy yourself up to feel better. To look better is to feel better, sometimes.
We know nothing would be finer than to be an elegant spectacle. Like Marla Hooch.
Today I had a job interview, where in which we were asked to craft something within 10 minutes and I made this.
and a new one named Buddy Bear Maurice.
I’m not much for babies, but if you could name them like animals I think it’d be a different story. I think people would like their kids a lot more if they were more like puppies and kittens. I mean, I know people already love their kids and that’s mostly because they have to. But they’d totally actually like them if they were like little fuzzy animals who do the darndest people-like things! People aren’t cute when they do people-like things because they’re already people!! Sure, dogs are cute when they do dog-like things, but dog-like things are so much cuter than people-like things. And then when they do a people thing?? It is just too much.
Like, I can sit in a chair. Watch! I’ll try it three times!
Too be fair, I interned at two magazines and I learned you can’t actually write anything about what you’re thinking, since you’re supposed to compliment everything and/or sort of write about things as though you need to get them to buy them. But you know what? I’m not Peggy Olson. I’m not selling popsicles or lipstick.
They’re not Peggy Olson out on the town being all snazzy and sitting on an old man’s laps.
It’s just rude and dull. They think they’re Gwyneth Paltrow in Emma and the normy is their infinite admirer, Mrs. Bates.
If the writers were really so wonderful, maybe they could write about wonderful things they did that are interesting, instead of writing about how wonderful and interesting they think they are. And how everyone else thinks they are, too.
I’m sorry. Sometimes I just get mad. I just get so mad I could throw a bird out a window.
Anyway. What can you possibly be happy enough to cheers about in your life if your life is not one in which you have champagne and clinkety clink glass flute glasses at your disposal? If all you’ve got is cans and chicken scraps, maybe put your toasting and cheersing on hold, sisterfriends. You’ve got bigger fish to fry. I’m not saying you have to have an enormous champagne filled glass in which to bathe – I’m not crazy. Sitting in a tub of champagne or champagne-like liquid would probably be really unsanitary. Plus, you’d have to drink all the champagne to drain the tub!
NOTE - Never waste champagne!!
HOT TIP - Especially if you’ve been stewing in it.
And wthout noises how would we know how serious things are?? People say “serious like a heart attack” or maybe it’s “as” and not “like” but in any event that’s just silly! Heart attacks aren’t noisy! Some people can be alone and just die from them and then that’s mostly pitiful but is that really serious? You know what is serious? I DO – sirens and whistles and coyote howls and dogs that howl when they hear sirens and whistles and coyote howls. Those noises say, “HEY. STOP. PAY ME YOUR ATTENTION. And you cannot cure me – or maybe it’s just slow or I don’t know even really know what it does but it is something – with Bayer aspirin!” If Bayer aspirin is part of your solution, how bad can your problem really be?
That’s all. Except for ask me a stupid question here if you want.
Firstly and foremostly, I was watching the Soap Opera Channel - yes, indeed, the Soap Opera Channel - and a commercial came on with a clip from the year I was born (as I later discovered) that has taught me a lot about bears and bear-handling. What do you do when you meet a bear in the woods? And I hear you think, “I might think to offer a hand to shake, as one might a person. For, what is a bear but a giant human covered in a thick coat of hair who eats raw fish from a river. You wouldn’t run from if you happened upon Andre the Giant if he had been covered in a thick coat of hair and holding a raw fish between his teeth, would you?” No, I wouldn’t. But we must remember that bears are not beloved
human wrestlers turned actors afflicted with gigantism.
We must. If we do not remember that there is no hope for any of us.
Here is what you do to get a bear to mind its business:
When some people cook and then put up photos, it all has to look perfect and pretty. But. Guess what! Life isn’t about being perfect and pretty on the internet. It’s about being pretty and perfect in living colors! And people want to seem all supercool and nifty - well, guess what!! Most people are not! But I am! And isn’t better to be things than to seem like them? YES! Yes, it is.
And, sometimes, I make cookies! WATCH ME NOW!
Speaking of INSECTS. I made this.
There’s even a book about her!
Just kidding - this post has NOTHING to do with Oprah. I mean, Orpah. Wait - hold the phone - I lied. This posting was to be about one of my favorite things but I’m distracted by ANOTHER of my favorite things. And ANOTHER of my favorite things does have to do with Orpah.
NOTE - You are all thinking I have chosen this game because it has the word ‘poo’ right in the name, and you know poo is one of the best words around.
HOT TIP - You shouldn’t think about what you already know - of course, that is one of the key reasons I chose it! You should always do, play, eat, talk about, etc… things that have one of your favorite words right there in the name. Only don’t do the wrong thing to your favorite thing. Things could go terribly wrong if you marry the wrong words together….playing with and eating poo, for example, are somethings never to do. Talking about and a doing a poo, however, are more than somethings to do, they are musts.