Autumn is the best of all the seasons. It even gets another name - FALL! That’s how you know when something is the best of all things - when it has more than one name. Like the more nicknames you have the more the best of all things you are. Think about your favorite person, for example, and if you really like them you probably don’t even remember their real name because you have so many special names for them. And if you don’t, you should probably start coming up with them.
Anyway. I love FALL. My birthday is in it. And Halloween. And all my family members have their birthdays in the Autumn time, too.
And there are a whole bunch of things about this season that just tickle me pink. For example-
BOBBING for APPLES
This activity is something I have never done. But it tickles me pink on account of how disgusting it is. A bunch of people stick their faces into a pot of water and try to get their gummy teeth around and apple. Imagine how much saliva and skin oil is in that water! But nobody seems much to mind. People don’t mind a lot of things they should. Also, imagine if some outerspace creatures came across these images as historical documents.
Without explanation, what would they think? We look so uncivilized. We force children to festoon themselves with makeup and costumery and they can only eat if we tie their hands behind their backs and line them up in front of a bucket of water filled with floating fruit. That’s pretty weird.
Another thing I love about Fall -
They’re like sleeping bags for your feet. That’s really all I have to say about that.
And PUMPKIN SOUP
And even better than pumpkin soup is pumpkin soup served INSIDE A PUMPKIN!
I mean, you can’t eat the shell of the pumpkin, but you could totally scrape down the sides. The best edible bowl is obviously the bread bowl the clam chowder is served in at Disneyland. It’s funny, because if someone was like, “HEY - let’s go get clam chowder at Disneyland!” I would totally be on board that ship. But if you really think about it - it’s clam chowder being served at a theme park. And that’s kind of gross. It makes me think of if there was a place that served a fast food version of Thanksgiving. But then my imagination runs WILD and I imagine there are tiny turkeys they would serve in french fry cartons. Like a whole bird miniaturized. And that really is gross.
Anyway, the point about pumpkin soup is that I’m pretty sure it’s mostly made of cream. And if you know me at all, you all know I would endlessly drink Heavy Whipping Cream and/or Half and Half and/or Non-Dairy Creamer That They Leave on Diner Tables In Those Tiny Cups with the Pullback Lids if it wouldn’t clog up all my precious arteries and thicken my organs and generally lead to a probably slow and delicious death. And, yes, that’s really gross, too.
I love dressing up for things. And this is the best season for costumes.
Look at Happy Jamie and Sad Jamie in his Pea Suit. There’s nothing like being sad in a ridiculous costume. It’s like that time I saw a girl riding a bicycle while sobbing. It was just FUNNY. Don’t be sad when you’re doing or wearing something funny if you want people to feel bad for you. Or at least not laugh at you. Because I will laugh at you.
Blankets are just the best. This one here is really nice on account of it incorporates sheep.
And to make it even a finer thing for life - a totally useless blanket holder!! Because sometimes holding a blanket in your hands is just too much. I suppose you could argue the holder thingy would give you a free hand, but you could just toss your blanket around you like a cape. And last I checked it’s way cooler to wear a blanket as a cape then to purchase a leather device to carry it like a lady’s purse. In case you were curious, I last checked at the age of 7.
I love books all year round, but this is the best season in which to read them. I’d tell you what you should read, but you won’t listen because you think you know better. So instead, look at these neat things made out of books
!! (And also they’re made of casette tapes a little I think)
Okay. That’s all for now.