So a few days ago I saw a documentary television program on mail-order brides from Russia. It was what you would expect - overweight American men who had uninteresting or no jobs signing up on a website that Russian women also sign up on in the hopes of making a love connection.
NOTE - I used to watch Love Connection everyday with my nanny who was from New Zealand. She also loved the Atlanta Braves. And had no real teeth. But that’s another story.
Anyway. There was one guy who sent his Russian love interest a lot of money for a plane ticket to come to America and marry him. I think they met one time in Russia or maybe in America, I don’t know. And so he goes to the airport to pick her up and she doesn’t come out and he waits for hours. And then he talks to the camera, saying how this happened before. That’s just embarrassing. But, eventually, this lady does emerge and he’s overly happy and it’s creeptastic.
Not in this particular case for any person on this mail order show because they were all pretty creeptacular in the bad way BUT
I always feel bad for people who just look creepy or act creepy but aren’t, in fact, creeps. Some people can’t help if they have brown hair or blue eyes or an extra toe or whatnot, so these people can’t help their creepiness. And why is it creeps get celebrated on television and movies - like The Addams Family or the The Munsters or The Oblongs.
And in TV and movies creepy guys or girls are always deserving a makeover. And then they realize they don’t need a makeover. Or someone insults them and then the protagonist gets to save the day and defend them or some such garbage. When in real life these creepy type people are left to their own devices. And rarely do they get a makeover or defended in public places. I know I have no desire to engage creeps in conversation, let alone waste my makeover skills on them. And perhaps that is what’s wrong with America.
I mean, yeah, it’s one things if they are a true creep but most people are just slightly strange anyhow. And it’s funny how there are plenty of weird people but not really plenty of people who go around coming to their rescue. Like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde defending that nerdy creepy guy.
His name was David Kidney. Which I know because I’ve seen Legally Blonde too many times. And because how many people/fictitious characters have last names that are human organs? That’s memorable! Like the new detective character I’m writing - George Ovary. He has a lot of crazy cases to solve. And he seems absent-minded, but he notices more than you think he does. And he may or may not have been born with a rogue ovary. OH - ROGUE OVARY. I think I have the title of the first book in the series. I think I most certainly do…
Or. You know. We could scratch this whole thing. Because some creeps are creepy. And I’m not looking to drive anyone into the arms of creeps. Those arms might be pock-marked and scaly. Most creeps aren’t lovable monster hybrids like Addams Family members of Munsters. If there were people like Munsters you can bet I’d be marrying one of them.
How cool would that be? To be like, “Hey, guys. I’m a normal human and this is my husband - THE INVISIBLE MAN.” Just look how stylish this guy is.
He’s more stylish than most visible people. Just imagine. You’d be the shiniest pork in the bun with that husband. Plus, nobody would want to make him over. Because he would be awesome. And also, invisible. So, I mean, how do you give an invisible person a makeover? It’d be very difficult. It’s just neat to have a weirdo Munster person around. And just think of all the invisible man’s erotic misadventures!
Okay. So don’t think about that. That’d be creepy. OH - that reminds me of that one time I watched Anna Nicole Smith’s reality show and she talked about having sex with a ghost. I’d like to forget that time. Anyway. Back to supercool monsterpeople friends.
Like Teen Wolf.
Like, “Hey , y'all. This is TEEN WOLF. He’s my friend.” People would be all, “Whoa! That’s cool.” And then they’d give you a friendship bracelet. Well. Actually that might be because he’s really Michael J. Fox. Either way - a teen wolf or a teen Michael J. Fox - you’re gonna get a lot of friendship bracelets.
HOT TIP - Don’t date someone who just dresses up like a movie monster/creature. Like don’t date some dude who dresses as Frankenstein and works at Universal Studios. That’s not awesome. And that guy most likely terrified me the last time I went to Universal Studios. Those guys aren’t even acting. Except the ones who show their faces. But even then, I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to talk. Which is weird.
Did anyone else have the game Monster Madness as a kid? I can’t think of any of my friends who had it…
So I guess all I’m really saying is that I like monsters going about their everyday lives. Like imaginary monsterpeople. Not like fellow citizens who do horrible monstrous things. Thow how rotten of them to give monsters a bad name. Jerks.