my feelings on


I have not enjoyed outings on Halloweens over the last 6 years, as they have involved:
-girls expelling their innards on subways
-going to brooklyn for no reason
-accidentally getting trapped in parades in new york for hours
-the parades in new york making going anywhere impossible
-restaurants being too full to eat in in new york
-taking more than an hour to go 10 blocks in new york
-going to halloween parties that take forever to get to that don’t cut the mustard, mayonnaise, or anything at all
-having terrible last-minute costumes as a result of vowing not to go out, then somehow ending up going out somewhere that’s not worth even having a good costume
-spending most of the time in a car in LA
-being forced into a large child’s Furby costume

So this year, I am staying home.  And if I dress up, it shall be for my own amusement and the amusement of those in my home.  If I eat candy, it shall be for my own expansion and not foisted upon me by party, person or stranger.  If I am terrified, let it be from my own imagination, reflection in a mirror, specter or spirit, the television’s “news”, or a murderer or like-minded invader accosting and attacking me.  If I am upset, let it be from emotional and or mental problems unrelated to a holiday I for which I would like to regain all my lost affections.  Just look at Heidi. She is having the best time ever!  One day, I dream to go out, as Heidi Klum does and throw myself upon the mercy of Halloween - as carefree and fancy-free as the next fat person.  But I don’t think that this is my year.  This is not the year for me.  

Now, don’t misunderstand me.  So far, it has been going well - I carved the above pictured pumpkin with monocle.  However his eye (as you can see) shriveled.  And carved some other pumpkins and things.  I have eaten pumpkin seeds and some candy.  

But I don’t want to deal with the angry, crazy blue Heidi, who will no doubt emerge if I go out into Halloween with an attitude like a hot, wet diaper lost from its baby bottom, rolling free and wild across Oprah’s face.  I would never want to upset Heidi or Oprah in that way.

So, Halloween, I offer up this photograph of the great Heidi Kum and husband.  An almighty apple with one leg and a similarly legged snake embracing it.  And Seal in a paper bag, houseplant, garbage and wig.  What greater honor and sign of respect can one give?  I don’t know and I don’t want to know.