Carl Sagan on pie!
Pie on a stick!
Pie made of knit!
Pie in the face, Bill Gates!
Pies are a great way to make friends. Who wouldn’t be your friend if you gave them a pie? Nobody, that’s who! This is not to say that you should carry around at-the-ready pies, though if you could figure out a way to do this with fresh pie and keep it hot and crumbly and gooey and not soggy and lukewarm and unfriendly, I’d have a go. Never use a ready-made crust! They’re really easy to make! You nincompoops! To make friends, always be talking about pie. If you do, chances are great that someone nearby will interject with an, “OH, I LOVE PIE” or “LET’S MAKE PIE” or “HAVE YOU HAD THIS PIE AT THAT PLACE??” or “PIE? OH, BARF - I’M MORE OF A TART-MAN.” If the person’s interjection is the last one - NEXT! Back of the line, pal! Out of the ballpark, hot dog! Mud in your eye, apple pie! But never call someone you dislike an apple pie.
NOTE - If you’re going to hit someone in the face with a pie, make sure it’s a cream one.
HOT TIP - If you’re going to hit someone you truly dislike in the face with a pie, make sure it’s a fresh hot one with pointed fruits inside.
What’s a pointed fruit, you ask? Why, a pointed fruit is a pointed question to be asked on a pointless night with points of light all above in the pointy, pointy sky.