Sometimes, I drive places. Sometimes, I drive and listen to music. Sometimes, I listen to pop music. Because it’s popular. It’s so popular that you don’t even need to know what they’re saying. So, I’m driving along in my pop car, because it’s popular and it’s so popular you don’t even need to know what kind it is. Here’s a CLUE
No, you morons - Tim Curry’s not the clue, he’s IN Clue! Dopes. Here’s the real clue
It’s LARRY DAVID! I’m getting off topic here. No, you piles of Boron.
I don’t drive Larry David. Though how cute would that be!?!? Pretty darn, I’d say. But. Larry David is not pop music. He’s just pop. He’s a pops. He’s somebody’s pops, maybe. POPPIN’ FRESH
That’s the Pillsbury Doughboy’s name. Did you know he’s married? To Poppie Fresh
And there’s a GrandPopper and a GranMommer
And a cat named Biscuit and a dog named Flapjack!
There are whole worlds where we’re not looking. It really crinkles the old brain hoses. This is all entirely off point, though. But aren’t we glad we learned something about Pillsbury? I know I am. They had no kids, I guess. I bet GrandPopper and GranMommer were upset about that. How hard could it be to have dough kids? What’s in dough anyway - water and flour? I could understand if Poppie didn’t want to shove a yeasty kid through her dough hole, but I don’t think that’s how dough people have kids. Who does though? Yet another mystery to knot the brain wad.
So, in the car a Katy Perry song comes on about California and girls, which I later learn is named “California Gurls” – yes, gurls. Here’s Katy Perry next to a horned skull. Then note her with blue hair. I just thought we should all familiarize ourselves with someone who spells girls with a ‘u’ but no 'z’.
Anyhow, in the middle of the song there is a rap. By a rapper. Not a gift wrapper. But a rapper. With no 'w’ and I just want to specify in case you’re reading this aloud to somebody or yourself. So I think he is saying
“bikinis, zucchinis, martinis, no weenies, just a king and a queenie.”
Zucchini might also have been linguine. The point is, this is the summer time so I get talking about bikinis and maybe martinis, though that seems like more of a winter or fall cocktail to me. Or even a cocktail more meant for evening than a day at the beach. But what do I know? I’d rather eat a cake or a cookie than drink a martini. I’d rather drink a pie smoothie. I’d rather wear a cat on my head and call it a hat. Cats are very warm. And they’d probably like sitting on a person’s head. So it seems like a match made in HEAVEN! Where you’re greeted by the almighty Orpah!
And she invites you to come for a ride with her and Tom Cruise on a motorbike.
I digress. So then he mentions either zucchini or linguine. I can maybe get on board with those things. I mean, zucchini is a summer squash, right? And linguine is a pasta. Pasta is year round. It’s always in season. Just ask the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Fine. Don’t ask him. Just stare at him. Like he was some sort of monster. Just because Monster is part of his name, doesn’t mean he’s a lower-case monster. Were The Munsters just monsters??
NO. And you might be saying, “Laura! You’re so stupid! Of course they weren’t just monsters. They were MUNSTERS. With a 'u – but a Spaghetti Monster is a monster is a monster! Can’t you read???” Of course I can read! I read books AND magazines! I read the backs of movie sleeves AND directions for how to cook Rice-A-Roni. I do it all. I can have it all!
Fine, Orpah! Fine, TOM! Laugh it up! For now. Because, one day, I’ll be running the show.
So then he mentions weenies, which are fine. If he means hot dogs. Because we know how I feel about hot dogs.
I think that last one really sums it up. Whoopi always just gets me. She gets it. She gets what’s for dinner.
And then he raps about a king and queenie. And now I can’t stop saying king and queenie. And there’s no reason ever to say it. And I just want to say it all the time. Because it’s really fun. Like that time I loved “Enjoy your apple and sandwich!” I loved hearing it and saying it. A forgotten line from a great film. She’s The Man.
Amanda Bynes stars as a girl pretending to be a boy. Executed with terrifying realism.
So, the moral of the story is. I am fixated on this tiny part of this rap from this one song I heard two or three times in the span of 30 minutes.
Good bye for now, Kings and Queenies. Enjoy your apple and sandwich. I know, right.
Brought to you by The Queen of Pop.