Firstly, I watch children’s television. Not a television belonging to childrens. But television programmed for them. This included watching the Disney Channel beyond when I should have watched it.
It was brought to my attention that the powers that be might be resurrecting Lizzie McGuire.
I do not know how to feel about this. On the one hand, at the time when it was on the air, that show was magical. The worst and most embarrassing thing that I couldn’t not watch. I was far too old to be watching this show, yet I could not look away. Luckily, my dear friend Molly joined me in my fascination - both of us going so far as to see the film version of the show in theatres. And forcing a third friend to come with us. It was horrible. And I’m sorry now for telling everybody Molly and I loved Lizzie. It’s kind of like your friend getting diarrhea in Barnes and Noble and then you laugh at her and then you tell everyone about it.
Except for we both had diarrhea. BRAIN DIARRHEA. I’m going to stop saying diarrhea now.
But, you know - Lizzie McGuire tackled tough issues. Like when Lizzie’s friend Miranda decided she was too fat
and was anorexic for a day until she fainted.
And then they totally made a music video and Miranda realized she looked fantastic and felt better and everything was totally cool.
It was a very tough day for her. Or when Lizzie needed to meet Aaron Carter. She just had to - and when the going got tough with security guards chasing her for about a minute - she got tougher. She met Aaron Carter and kissed him and appeared in his Christmas music video.
She did it. Lizzie is an inspiration. She even had a Jewish friend! I could relate to having Jewish friends. And who could forget her Jewish friend’s Bar Mitzvah??? Not me, that’s for sure. I think we all learned a lot about different cultures that day.
And oh the lessons I learned when Lizzie and her friends lied to their parents and went to a party that was unchaperoned. It got so CRAZY. And Haylie Beastface Duff got to guest star!
This brings me to an important point - if you are fairly unappealing and have a stinkbutt career and you have a sibling who is better looking than you (even if only by comparison) and more successful than you - grab onto that flamingo and ride it to the stars! Haylie is always trying to grab onto Hilary’s thunder. Then she tries to shake that thunder around and doesn’t even bother telling Hilary important stuff like that time she got those giant teeth put in and looked like a gaping old horseface. Haylie could’ve said, “Hey! Give that horse back his teeth!” But she didn’t. She didn’t.
Haylie might’ve seen that as her chance. But Hilary recovered and got newer, better, shorter teeth. But Haylie’s not sweating it. She does great stuff on her own. She really does. Her own thing. And is good. At it…
Anyway. When that doesn’t work Haylie knows what to do. Demand to sing songs together and appear in feature films together - and, yes, I have seen the Duff sisters starring together in movies. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ve seen Hilary and Haylie Duff in Material Girls. Well. I’m slightly ashamed, but I’m not deleting it am I? Know why?? Because I’m honest!
ABBH! Always be being honest!
Then people will trust you. And probably admitting you watched Material Girls is better than admitting you watched and really enjoyed Love & Other Drugs. Or Price of Persia: The Sands of Time. Or Bubble Boy. Basically most of Jake Gyllenhaal’s movies. Except October Sky. Or City Slickers. Though that is truly Billy Crystal’s movie. No. NO WAIT.