Today I went to a Planetarium. It took me from inside Earth to outer space to moons of Jupiter and Saturn and some other place I believe was called Mars. Jodie Foster was my tour guide. If there’s someone I generally can’t get on board with as a person, it’s Jodie Foster. But as a narrator, she gets an A+.
Anyway. I can’t get on board because Jodie just has a mean cat’s face. Even when she is happy, there is a mean cat living behind her face waiting to pounce and scratch. There are a few actresses with mean cat faces. And no matter how good a job they do making me believe they’re someone else, I can’t get past their mean cat faces.
Like Helen Hunt.
Look at her mean cat face! Her eyebrows are just disdainful and pitying. For no good reason. I don’t know Helen Hunt and I don’t appreciate her looking at me in that way she does. There are some people who just have faces that make you think that no matter what they say, they’re going to have a rotten egg’s attitude about it. And you can’t help thinking things about people when you look at them! You just can’t.
That’s why millionaires rarely grow 8-foot long beards and foot-long nails while conserving their bodily fluids in jars surrounding their person.
Not never. But rarely. Because then people would know how completely crazypants their brains are. Millionaires appear normal so all their disgusting behaviors go unnoticed. You wouldn’t notice the penguin in a penguin suit - you’d notice the penguin not in a penguin suit, the naked penguin. And nobody ever wasn’t at least a little bit scared of Bernard The Naked Crazy Penguin. PS I also saw penguins today.
I suppose, however, a person can’t help their face. But a man can have a mean old dog face and I can still totally like him. Like Albert.
He kind of looks like he’d ask you for a sandwich and then when you bring him the sandwich he’d tell you very politely that he never asked for such a thing and then he’d smash it right in your fat face. But I’d still kind of be like, “Oh, that’s just cute!” Unless he smashed it in my particular face. I like my face unsmashed and unmashed. But if I saw him do that to someone else I probably would think he was still kind of adorable. Not so with mean cat face ladies. Like Kristen Stewart.
If a mean cat face lady asked for a can of cat food and then when you bring her the cat food she says she only eats Fancy Feast and not the dreck you’ve given her and then she smashes the can in your face, chipping your favorite tooth…well, let’s just say I would most certainly not be like, “Oh, that girl is just incorrigible!”
But I suppose it’s much easier for a man to get away with being jerky and it being charming than a lady. Ladies are always coming off crazy for the most part.
But who am I to judge? I’m only as good as the following - which is pretty darn tootin’ good!!
This post has been brought to you by grumpy puppy face Albert.
And also by this actual grumpy puppy.