I like to Exercise On Demand on the television. The other day I decided to try Crunch Burlesque because I thought it would be like the other ridiculous burlesque work out I tried in which it was all ladies above 50 and they were all just hi-larious.
But that was not by Crunch. Crunch does things differently. Weirdly. Creepily.
During the Crunch work out there was a lot of the lead lady saying things along the lines, “We’re exercising but it’s better because we’re doing it cute!” And this had something to do with the fact that, “This is how we do it in LA! Keep it sexy! Be cute! Do it cute! And sexy! Light and sexy! Fun and cute!”
This is gross. She is gross. I am in LA. Things like that lady and what she is saying make people not like LA and people in LA. Rest assured I am not like that. And my LA is not like that. There are plenty of people here not like that. But she makes me want to leave LA and it’s people like that and go far far away to a land of regular aerobic movement - like walking around outside and such.
But it was raining and when it’s raining the outdoors becomes a different world into which it becomes impossible to voyage.
I don’t have to do everything sexy and cute and light and fun. Do I? Sure, I do! But that’s just me! I go to the supermarket and I keep it sexy and cute and light and fun. I take my fat dog for a short walk before we’re both out of breath, but my fat dog keeps it sexy and cute and light and fun for the both of us. I even keep it sexy and cute and light and fun when I use the powder room! But while exercising?? That crosses my lines.
It’s rude to be told to do that in a work out. Where you’re supposed to be lifting heavy things and be strong. Nobody every said, “Oh, what a cute bunny - it’s so powerful when it hops!” People say, “Oh, what a cute bunny - it’s like a cloud I want to hug it! It couldn’t hurt a bug if it pooped on it! It’s so wonderfully immobile!” So it’s just weird to be told to be cute and sexy while exercising and especially that you HAVE TO be cute and sexy or you’re doing it wrong.
And on the subject of bunnies -
Nobody was every impressed by the Playboy Bunnies strength and powers.
And she kept telling me to, “Close my legs!”
Which is great advice if you’re a 1950s school slut but I am not any one part of any of that. So stop shouting at me to close my legs if they’re only open because you just told me I had to for what is apparently passing as a burlesque dance move. PS - I know that’s a photo of Sandy from Grease and not Rizzo who, by all rights and knowledges, was the school slut. But I always figured Sandy’s makeover was more about turning herself into a world class strumpet than anything else.
I suppose it was all really my fault. I didn’t really expect to not be shouted at if I was doing an exercise. It’s On Demand, after all. I asked for it. But I didn’t ask for the sexy or cute. I really didn’t.